Retrospective Guff

Looking back, looking forward, looking inward!!!!!!

I started this newsletter with the intention to write consistently, microdosing a handful of people with my unfettered streams of consciousness. However this is a return after a nine month break. An incubation period, to birth a new piece out into the cold harsh grey of January. What a shit time to be born.

If you are new here, ‘Guff’ is a Scottish slang word meaning ‘trivial or foolish talk or ideas.’ Cultural exchange! Strap in for the guff xx

I could say I stopped because I was lazy, but then I could also give myself grace because the exact time I stopped was when I was going through a breakup -and laziness is simply an act of passive resistance against the pressure to overdo, so there’s some food for thought for you. I could not comprehend recording my thoughts and flinging them out into the universe whilst also trudging through the motions and monotony of heartache.

But now I have returned, and I want to commit to this, because my head is stuffed, and overflowing, and I need somewhere to put it, and I also need an audience, so I am not pissing in the wind and can feel soothed by the potential of you feeling seen and understood by some of these words. Or you are a completely sane, healed, well-adjusted person, thinking ‘thank fuck this is not me’ and are here to enjoy this as a passive car crash, if so, fair fucks!

It’s weird to look back at a year, our brains want to categorise. I find my brain sorting and processing and trying to summarise what was an expansive, disordered and widely chaotic chunk of time into a neat ‘good year’ ‘bad year’ filing system. I simply can’t contain everything from an entire sun rotation neatly in my head. 2024 will keep pouring over me in stagnated bursts. Fragments will scatter them self into my consciousness, triggered by something mundane. To try to reflect and quantify an entire year is silly, so stop doing it. There is so much material and meaning from 2024 that will take years to reveal itself to you!!!

Having said that, here is a incomplete lists of some of the things i can remember I did in 2024 no particular order:

-left the UK 0 times

-wrote and performed my one woman show

-very seriously considered adopting a rescue dog

-moved out of a house with a boyfriend, then move into a house with a crazy landlady who thought I was a surrogate daughter, and her best friend, a 75 year old man

-Moved into a new house and by the grace of god met two housemates on spare room who turned out to be massive legends

-put out a spoken word album

-Had a mental breakdown at a festival

-stopped eating sugar, started again

-ran a project with LGBTQ sex workers

-lost a lot of chargers, phones, laptop, headphones

-smashed up my phone

-fell deeply deeply in love with my friends

-cycled a lot! And wouldn’t shut up about cycling!

-Ran workshops with children, young people and adults

-ran neuroinclusivity workshops for businesses

-Changed my bedding (more than once, but still probably not enough times)

-Basically weaned myself off online shopping and now only shop in charity shops, although this is an addiction in of itself

-Lived with cats

-Went on dates

-Denounced dating

-Got tik tok

-Took myself seriously

-Tried to be as silly as possible

-realised I probably can’t eat gluten after putting the link between crippling abdominal pain and copious amounts of bread

-Got parasocially obsessed with food vloggers

Despite what I said, my instinct is telling me, that it was a good year. Whatever that means. Not for it being full of achievements or particularly high social milestones. Mainly because I have developed, gradually, the means to be kinder to myself.

I have learned over time to silence or at least re-frame my punitive internal critic. My one woman show (Golden Time and Other Behavioural Management Strategies) took a childhood primary school incentive and compared it to the ways our society uses time as a commodity and self optimisation as the ultimate goal. During this show I discover and reckon with my own self critic, which I realise is a composite of parent, teacher and peer voices, and not my own.

We critique and punish ourselves daily, in order to sandbag against the emotional pain that has come from once being our authentic selves. We learn to be on high alert, and deeply self analytical in a way that is torturous, in order to protect from potential judgement from others.

Existing under capitalism, we have internalised its malignant agenda, that will eat you alive unless you recognise and actively detach from it. It will convince you that you are an unattractive, poor, uncool, unproductive, loser, but hey you can fix that in 10 simple, expensive, debilitating, lonely, soul-crushing steps :) xxx

I have a brain that opts for an interest in the (without sounding wanky) emotional and creative world. I feel deeply attuned to other people and their behaviours, so much so that I often describe feeling other people’s sadness or discomfort as a physical sensation on my body. I am akin to a faulty bluetooth speaker pairing with every errant energy in sight. Emotions and sensory information latching on to my frequencies like an itch or a vibration.

I believe that my deficit in organisation is in order for my brain to reject order, resist the confines of logistical, material reality, in order to optimally prioritise the invisible world. It sounds fucking insane and like I’m part of a cult but understanding what my brain is for, rather than what it lacks and falls short at, has been revelatory, and actually made me more productive. Internal rules only serve for so long, and then we feel inclined to rebel against them, and then we give up out of rebellion (see my aforementioned comment about laziness). Whenever I find myself lazy or rotten, it’s because my brain is rejecting the litany of rules I have applied to myself. I will not wear this avatar and pretend to be a high functioning person. I simply refuse.

I used to tell myself the most horrible things if I did not exercise. I would degrade my body, my appearance, convince myself I was worthless. This would always lead to me not doing the exercise out of pure abandon against the critical voice. Reframing this voice has allowed me to realistically check in with myself about how I struggled with the boredom of exercise. It doesn’t come naturally, I am an inside brained person, I haven’t always lived bodily, I am cerebral, that’s okay. But walking and cycling truly do calm me down, its a natural anti depressant, and as someone prone to mood swings, exercise is something I deserve for my body, I need fresh air, I need movement, I need to be in nature, an active member of society. And I am well within my right to do that. Telling myself this has sent me out the house and onto my bike way more than humiliating myself into submission.

It’s the same with going out and socialising. I am not shy, however as I’ve got older I have found myself less patient around people I cannot connect to on a deep down level. I find people who want to talk about money depressing, I don’t enjoy small talk, I find disconnected social occasions tense and weird and scary. Sometimes I find myself dissociating and distracted in company. When I drink it gets worse because I use it as a crutch to feel more present. It actually sends me deeper into spiral dream land, I just might be dancing more. I know this about myself though. And instead of calling myself an antisocial loser, I try to be more curious, explore new things, and look to connect on a deeper level where possible. If the night is shit, leave, it’s not for you, drinking and drugs won’t make it fun.

Giving myself grace and then reframing my punishing self talk to be encouraging, understanding and then realistic, has allowed me to be a more active, functioning, less depressed and emotionally available person, sooooo…..

That’s all I have for now. Currently I’m writing, eating, talking, trying to pay rent and rehearsing full time as an actor in a theatre show about post-partum psychosis that will be on in Manchester this Month. Here is a link: https://watersidearts.org/events/who-is-your-mummy-and-where-did-she-go/

Have a week, be back soon (not in 9 months) x x x